PREFACE: Hey, Mr. X readers. It’s your boy Not-U here, been a minute. This is just a wacky brain-fart, some parody action using the grand old “bounty hunters” trope from Those Movies. Meant to be part of a series, but… you know how I am with follow-through. We’ll see how it goes.

Expect terrible puns, lots of rough monster sex, humiliation and bondage, the barest minimum of plot, and profoundly luckless and witless heroines that just about everything in this evil galaxy seems to enjoy abusing. Remember, as ever, this story is fantasy only and not an endorsement of actual non-consensual acts in this or any galaxy. Feedback is welcome. Read on, and if you enjoy… shame on you.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

STAR WHORES: GEM’S LAST BOUNTY

EPISODE VI: THE KING’S GAMBIT

Peril stalks the scoundrel’s planet of Metooine. The pirate port Mos Buutey explodes when an off-worlder with strange powers smites dozens of its lowlifes.

In truth, PRINCESS KREY-KREY is damaged, erratic and lust crazed. She’s also the only ally Tanni Gem and her slutty friends have.

They tried to become bounty hunters and fight slavers. Now they defend their bodies and souls in a galaxy bent on owning both, haunted by cruel nemesis GARIM BIGGS…

Clad in a form-fitting black suit with an enormous red and gold codpiece its only adornment, a tall and athletic black-skinned man with a shaven head stood outlined by the vast windows of his starship’s observation deck. Mellow music played in the background as he looked out appreciatively at a lush, green jewel of a world, its seas pristine, the glowing constellations of great cities dappling its nightside.

“Beautiful,” the man known to some as Garim Biggs mused aloud, as if to himself. “Simply beautiful.”

A voice cut in over the intercom. It was a snorting, half-bestial voice doing its best to render the Standard language. “There’s urk a transmission from urk unkh Metooine, Greatest. It’s the urk the Guildmaster reporting.”

“Excellent,” Biggs replied. “Put it through to the observation deck, I’ll take it here.”

With a last, wistful sighing look out at that gorgeous planet, he turned away and strode back to the luxurious banquet table in the center of the deck. To work.

It wasn’t brightly lit: he didn’t care for interior lighting to compete with the spectacular vistas of the stars. Amid the long shadows, however, the reflected brightness of the world below revealed the table to be heaped with delicacies from a thousand different worlds: fruits, sweetmeats, candies, edible flowers, stuffed roasts of entire beasts of various kinds, cool jugs of refreshment. Biggs plucked an ornate goblet from its nearest edge, filled it with an iridescent blue punch, took and savored a sip and then said: “Engage transmission.”

A blue hologram flickered into place above the table. A fat, sweaty man in elaborate robes and sporting waxed moustaches and long braided hair. He looked nervous, to put it mildly, but that was nothing new. Biggs smiled at him pleasantly.

“Guildmaster Neroon. I trust you’re well. How are things in Mos Buutey?”

The head officer of the Bounty Hunters’ Guild on Metooine blinked rapidly. He said: “It’s… well, it’s chaos, Greatest. But I doubt that’s a surprise to you.”

“Few things are, granted.” Biggs nodded judiciously, though his eyes hardened. “I’ll admit I was hoping for a bit more specificity.”

“Well, your offworld Princess has been on quite the rampage.” The Guildmaster looked down as if reading a datapad. “Fourteen of the Pirates of Kweia killed downtown. At least forty-six men of various factions slain at Gryzzuy’s north side operation, which looks to be totally destroyed. That’s in just the last five hours, Source knows what’s happened since.”

“Ah. Good, good.” Biggs’ eyes shone. More powerful than I dared imagine she’d be. “Finally taking out that Muukkie pervert’s pathetic little circus is a nice bonus. I trust Gryzz and his fanboys didn’t do any permanent damage to my lovely girls.”

“By all reports they’re physically fine, or they were when things went down at Gryzzuy’s Emporium.” The Guildmaster mopped his brow with a silk kerchief. “Plenty of other people in the city who can’t say the same. The Pirates of Kweia have put a quarter-million credit bounty on the Princess, but they’re not satisfied with that.”

“Quite like them. Being naughty, are they?”

“They’re shooting the damned city up. Rousting shops, setting up roadblocks, demanding anyone who sees ‘the bitch’ turn her over to them. People are shooting back, we’ve got armed brawls, buildings burning.” Neroon mopped his forehead again. “Eventually the Alliance is going to intervene directly. It’s bad.”

“Yes, well, that has its uses. And the other bounties?”

“We’ve registered the fifty thousand credit bounties you wanted on the others. The Alliance magistrate was… reluctant to sign off on those, he thought freezing their funds over the sex incident at our central offices was enough, but we dropped your name. Said how personally outraged you were by the breach, that they had to be brought directly to account for their ‘immoral sluttiness.’ Tacked on a vehicular theft charge, since apparently they’re using a stolen landspeeder to get around. He agreed after that.”

“Naturally.” Biggs smiled. The fool… but fools are useful. “Well, let’s provide some added incentive. Reach out to your bounty hunters. Let them know by private channel that if they should find my girls, or the Princess, and choose to have some fun with them instead of turning them in, I’ll pay out the full price of the bounty with a ten percent bonus. We can’t have them actually getting captured, after all.”

Neroon blinked. “Uh… okay, Greatest. Not sure I understand…”

“Your function isn’t to understand, Guildmaster.” Biggs’ smile vanished. He said icily: “It’s to obey.”

“Of course, Greatest.” Neroon went pale, ducked his head. “It will be done. But you realize that with some of the hunters, personal pride will win out over the bonus or, ah, other incentives.”

“Life brings with it an element of chance in all things.” Biggs said it like he was quoting someone. He seemed lost in thought for a moment and presently said: “Well, I’m sure you’re busy, Guildmaster. Thank you for your efforts, give my regards to your wife.”

Neroon went a little paler at that last, swallowed, ducked his head. “Greatest.” And the transmission was cut.

“Rather a deep cut, reminding him about your connection to his wife,” came an amused feminine voice from the shadows.

Biggs shrugged, strolling back over to appreciate the planet again. “If we were nice people, we wouldn’t be in the Game, now would we? Besides, it’s all about mindset. He could take it as a point of pride that his wife is a good enough fuck for me to deign to wreck her holes from time to time. That she never touches him ought to be secondary.”

“You were always a piece of work, Greatest.”

There was a swishing sound of slinky fabric against smooth skin as his companion came forward to join him. Her emergence from the shadows revealed an ageless, flawless Tagruto beauty with orange skin, immaculate white face-paint and dark eyes. Her fit, small-breasted and slender body was clad in a flowing chiffon gown that kept no secrets: her dark nipples were stiff nubbins in the room’s cool air, her shaven sex leaking juices of desire down her inner thighs as always happened when watching him work.

She took up station beside him, nearly a foot shorter than him but making up for it with her majestic white-and-silver crest and head-tails and her arresting erotic presence. She put a delicate hand companionably on one of his muscular buttocks, squeezing it.

He smiled. “Think of it, Tej. When we were kids starting out on this road twenty years ago, did you think we’d really see this moment?”

“Maybe not,” she admitted with a smile of her own. “But you did.”

“Yes,” he nodded. There was an edge of hunger emerging in his expression. “Yes, I did.”

“Basher says we’re in position to start the raid,” Madame Tej, once of the Pink Palace, added conversationally. “He’s champing at the bit. Says his men are eager for fresh flesh.”

“Tell him to wait.” His voice was sharp. “Nobody moves until I say we move. You’ve got to have dramatic flair when doing this shit. ‘Persuade’ him if you have to, we both know he can’t resist you.”

She giggled almost girlishly. “Of course. Gomorreans aren’t good for much except fighting and fucking… but by damn, are they good at both. Especially the second.” Her face grew a little more pensive as she gave Biggs’ buttock another amiable squeeze. “You were really worried, weren’t you? You predicted they’d try going to Gryzz, but you didn’t have control over what would happen there.”

Biggs went expressionless. “I’m never worried, Tej. I keep one step ahead of the gods themselves.”

“Of course.” She feathered that wandering hand up the small of his back… then slid it down between his buttocks. She wrapped her shapely thighs around his leg, grinding and licking her lips, reaching in and forward to get under his codpiece and fondle his big ballsack from the rear. Said, with a slight catch of desire in her voice now: “But still, if your sweet little kitten was to offer you a little… stress relief?”

Still carefully expressionless: “I could never deny my little kitten anything. I wouldn’t say no.”

“That’s my big, bad daddy,” said Tej with a melodic, throaty laugh.

And as she came around in front of him, sinking gracefully to her knees and pulling down his codpiece to fish out the glorious slab of black cock in his trousers, he continued to look out at that planet. His expression was almost rapt as the first bitch he’d ever tamed began to graphically spit, suck and slobber all over his turgid member. The glorious future expanded in his mind’s eye as his dread starship The Ravager plied the heavens and prepared to take in a fresh haul of nubile sex slaves.

###

The girls had parked their stolen speeder at the edge of Mos Buutey’s Trashtown Quarter, pulling it deep into an alleyway where they hoped it wouldn’t be spotted. They had snuck into a deserted and defunct restaurant: there was no food but the plumbing still sort-of worked, enough at least to clean the muck off themselves and dress in what remained of their “clothing” stash.

Now they were sitting at a table in that restaurant, looking out the front window in dismay at the columns of smoke climbing into the sky, shuddering at the sounds of blaster-fire, roaring hovercycles, the distant shouts and clashing sounds of brawls. Their last safe haven had been in Trashtown, but it clearly wasn’t safe anymore.

“What… what do you think we should do?”

Isi’duzit – Isi, as her friends called her – was a red-skinned Tri’lik beauty whose hazel eyes were troubled. Just under five and half feet of sensual beauty with tribal tattoo patterns at her hips and collarbone, she wore black stiletto thigh highs and an impossibly skimpy bikini that basically consisted of strings of fabric linking tiny triangles of black leather just barely adequate to covering her sex and the nipples of her proud C-cup breasts. Her exotic head-tails stirred with anxiety. It hadn’t been a great day so far.

She was putting the question to the bounty hunters, Tanni Gem and Jessa Zaar, of whom she was nominally a client. The two slender, five-foot-nothing beauties had come out of their shattering ordeal inside the Triple-G Emporium with nothing even of their prior ultra-skimpy clothing except their stripper pumps. They now wore matching see-through mesh mini-dresses that effectively were barely this side of being naked and hid nothing of their adorable little tits or shaven pussies, or of the crude and explicit tattoos of degrading names and phrases that decorated Jessa’s caramel-toned skin.

The pale-skinned Gem was fixated on the rising columns of smoke, her brown hair in its perpetually tousled bob even messier than usual, her blue eyes distant. The others looked at her with concern: she’d been overpowered and raped by a perverted, drugged-up Muukkie just over an hour before, after all.

For her part, the worst part of that experience for Jessa had been wondering if Gryzzuy was going to wind up ripping her best friend limb from limb. Whatever it said about her life that she’d otherwise been through worse than that gangbang by the Muukkie’s assorted pervert fanboys, it was just true. Playing with one of her cute pigtails and laying a comforting hand on Gem’s shoulder, she looked over at Isi, her brilliant green gaze a little sad.

“I’m glad you’re still asking us, Isi,” she said. “But I’m not sure you should.”

“What do you mean?” Isi’s eyes were wide, guileless. “You know this place, this world. All I knew before The Ravager came and took mother – I mean Madame Tej – took her and my sisters, all I knew was the Pink Palace. That place was peaceful. Gentle. Welcoming. This place…” She hesitated, recent memories still echoing in her flesh, and finished: “Isn’t.”

Jessa smiled at her. Their initial meeting had been maybe a bit contentious, but she’d grown to like Isi a lot. She was always amazed at how much of an innocent she could seem, and how in some ways that was misleading and – she was coming to understand – in some ways it wasn’t. Her old home at the Pink Palace had to have been far seedier than her rose-tinted memory of it for her to have the kinds of sexual experience she clearly had… but in other ways, maybe, she really had been sheltered.

We haven’t always been the best about being truthful with her… or ourselves. Time to change that.

“I appreciate your faith, Isi. I know Tanni does, too.” She gave Tanni’s shoulder a little squeeze, fought down her worry. “But let’s face facts. Since you’ve met us, we’ve gotten you banged by strangers a bunch of different times, we got you fucked over literally and figuratively by Garim Biggs, and we left you alone with a deranged mass-murdering super-chick who went out of her way to get you gangbanged. It isn’t a great track record.” She grimaced and added: “Oh. And the last half of the life savings you dragged here, we blew on gear that’s now buried under the rubble of the Triple-G Emporium. I’m really sorry about that, by the way.”

Isi frowned. “I think we can hardly call that part your fault.”

 “Maybe not,” Jessa nodded. “But even if not, I think it’s pretty safe to say at this point that any chance of our carrying out a contract against The Ravager and reuniting you with your sisters from the Pink Palace is in the rearview. I don’t think we can keep calling you a client or ourselves bounty hunters. I’m honestly amazed you’re still speaking to us.”

“Why… why wouldn’t I still speak to you?” Isi’s voice was small. Hurt. “I don’t… have anyone else. I don’t know anyone else. There’s clearly no-one in this terrible place who cares about me, at least you do. Why would you tell me to go off alone? What else can I do?”

The Tri’lik’s voice was trembling. For the first time since she’d known her, Jessa realized she was on the verge of bursting into tears. Oh, fuck… Isi. She went over and hugged her, and Isi hugged her back, hard. “I wasn’t saying that, Isi, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, of course we care, of course I care…”

Isi was crying now, her body shaking with sobs as Jessa rocked her. “I… know I try to seem strong but… I…” she said haltingly, muffled into Jessa’s chest. “I don’t… I can’t… I thought we were… friends…”

“Hey, hey, hey, we are.” Jessa pulled Isi’s lovely face up, now, stroking at her tears, kissing her. “We are friends. Always. Okay?”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Isi gave a teary, grateful nod. Brushed back one of Jessa’s pigtails. They looked at each other… that kind of quiet intimacy that had led to their sleeping together the night before. There was that same electricity, it was funny, the moments in which that could kindle…

Gem’s voice: “We have to get out of here.”

They jumped. Jessa looked over, Gem was still studying the smoke columns. “Tanni! Are you…”

“I’m okay, Jess, really.” Gem looked over and smiled at them. “Man, you guys are a cute couple, by the way. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ve just been thinking on Garim Biggs. And I think we’ve got to get out of here.” She looked at Isi. “I agree with Jess. We should stop pretending we’re going off to storm The Ravager. The Princess warned us against trying to go on missions, and whatever else she’s done, I think my experience with Gryzzuy proves she’s right about that. And that the further we stay away from The Ravager in our current state, the better off we’ll be.”

“Yeah, where is that fucking chick, anyway?” Jessa looked over at the restaurant’s deserted bathrooms. Krey-Krey had been the last one to go in there to wash up and change. Never met anyone quite that aptly named. The thought was uncharitable, but then apparently, she had deliberately put Isi in the midst of a bunch of perverted mercs and dared them to gangbang her. Aside from the fact that the chick genuinely scared the hell out of her – it had to have been Krey-Krey who’d caved the Emporium in, and the sight of her levitating its rubble and swirling it into a vortex and telling them with creepy calm “That’s the storm that swirls around us all” would never leave her -- Jessa was also just out of sympathy.

“Trying to calm herself down, if I had to guess.” Tanni grimaced. She was clearly remembering the levitating rubble, too. “Probably for the best, and I’m not talking about her like I’m forgiving what she did to you, Isi. And I’m not saying forget about your sisters. I, for one, will happily stay by your side as a friend for as long as it takes to find them, and if it’s not us who breaks them free, then we’ll find someone who can. But our way more immediate problem is staying free ourselves. It’s not going to be easy.”

“What do you mean?” asked Isi, lacing her fingers with Jessa’s as if seeking comfort from the contact.

“I mean Garim Biggs has gone a long way out of his way to entrap us and fuck with us. I don’t know how, but I know he’s somehow connected to that chaos out there. I know he’s found some reason to put bounties on our heads by now, he even got the local bank to freeze Isi’s funds well before that debacle at the Emporium. He’s been careful to leave us with no safe harbor in Mos Buutey.” Gem looked back out at the smoke, the sound of the distant riots and conflict was getting closer. “And if Weebo of all people was willing to sell us out to that fucking Muukkie, we’ve clearly run through any actual friends we ever had here. We have to get out.”

“But if all that’s true,” Jessa wondered: “Doesn’t running play into his hands? Isn’t that what he wants us to do?”

“I’m betting he’s set it up so that he wins whether we run or not.” Tanni ran her fingers through her hair, failing to improve its unruly state. “Biggs was always thorough that way. And it’s a certainty he’s rigged up some nasty surprise on the Euphoria for us. We’ll just have to hope there’s something he overlooked… because we’re clearly fucked in every way if we stay here.”

“So, how do we get to the ship? How do we even get that bastard Fub-Fub to let us take off?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about that…” Gem glanced over at the bathrooms. It was suddenly occurring to her it had been a long time since Princess Krey-Krey stepped in there to “change.” The clothing selection available to them shoud’ve made that a thirty-second process. “Hey, where is the Princess? Seriously.”

“We sure we want to know?” Jessa asked archly, but Gem was already getting up.

Some nameless intuition sped her strides into the abandoned bathroom whose lighting pads were cannibalizing their last fraction of power to function. There was no sign of Krey-Krey. But there was a message burned into the wall tiles beside the mirrors… as if with the tip of a Juddite laserblade. The letters were still glowing with remnant heat. They read:

I AM SORRY ISI

SO SORRY ALL OF YOU

BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME

MAY THE SOURCE BE WITH YOU

Oh, shit. Of course, she heard. Tanni went cold, reading the words, and said: “Uh, guys…”

###

“Hey. Zun. Check it out.”

It was surprising how pockets of stultifying boredom could exist amidst storms of rioting and disorder. Zun Crolkaa – Captain and CEO of Black Sun Bounties – had spent the last two hours with his squad in just such a pocket, staking out a random stretch of Trashtown on one of the routes out of northside. He’d been occupied with whittling a piece of wood, a habit he’d picked up during a campaign on the moon of Pacifica back during the war. Amazingly, he was still shit at it. And amazing that was twenty-five years ago.

Aside from any distraction being welcome, though, there was a crackling tension in the voice of Bull—sergeant in his former Imperial Legion platoon and faithful partner in the biz ever since—that snapped Zun’s head up and focused him instantly. The brothers Shack and Brack—their real names, it would never cease to amaze him—were instantly up from their card game, too, the whole squad fanning out from their post around their armored landspeeder, blaster rifles at the ready as they sighted the tiny slip of a naked female form walking toward them.

She had a rat’s nest of brown hair that was attempting to be an aristocratic triple-bun hairdo and was wearing a blue slingshot thong that clearly bared her breasts and probably bared other things. Even at a distance he could tell that. Normally that would have amused or aroused him. That latter might still be true, but it came with a big caveat. If reports were true, this little naked slip of a thing had killed sixty men and wiped out a whole building over the past five hours alone.

There were other bounty hunters who didn’t believe a word of it. Zun did. He’d seen Juddite powers in action, and those of their Sartha enemies, too. This was clearly a Source wielder. It didn’t matter how ridiculous she looked.

The Black Sun crew all had the discipline of former legionaries or people trained by such. In their matching gunmetal-grey body armor and black berets, they usually intimidated quarry. But as Zun watched the approaching mark, a droplet of sweat running down his forehead, he had to wonder if they’d intimidate her. As she came closer, he fell back on rhythms developed through years of rousting Resistance fighters in the long-ago days, pirates’ nests in the more current ones.

“Hey!” His voice was a whip-crack of authority. “Stop right there and identify yourself.”

The girl kept coming. As she drew closer, he could see that she was wearing pumps. They looked like high-heeled platform stripper pumps. That slingshot thong did indeed reveal and expose all the things he’d thought it might. Her face was actually quite regally beautiful, oddly enough, though the effect was a little spoiled by the rest of her look and a brightly whorish makeup job: rouged cheeks, red lipstick, bright turquoise eyeshadow and thick mascara. She was smiling but there was something… dead in her eyes.

“I repeat,” Zun said resolutely. “Stop where you are!” And he put a warning blaster shot into the air.

The girl looked up curiously, then stopped in front of him. She was holding a silvery cylinder that he recognized with a chill: Juddite laserblade hilt. This is her. “Hi!” She waved at him as if she were just a normal person out for a stroll.

Zun signaled twice with his right hand. His squad fanned out in a semi-circle around her, their weapons trained. He decided to play along with her friendless for the moment: “Could you please identify yourself, Miss?”

She nodded brightly and started talking:

“I was Princess Krey-Krey of Arepo, Sapewon Learner to Master Chet Starfokker of the New Juddite Temple. I’m guessing that the only one of those things that’s still true is the name Krey-Krey. So you can call me Krey-Krey. Wow it takes sexstim a long time to leave the human body, doesn’t it? I thought it would’ve gotten better by now but it definitely is not. I almost had friends but I fucked it up, they didn’t believe me about the Vortex. Can’t blame them though, I’m still trying to understand it myself. I’m really sorry about Isi, not about the men but about Isi, she didn’t deserve that. We can be friends to each another. Really the men can fuck themselves, should’ve seen what they were doing. Wish I had a sister from another mister. Hi! What’s your name?”

Zun blinked. Well, that explains a few things, he thought. He didn’t relax his vigilance, though. A Juddite, clearly a powerful one, who was also insane put him more on his guard.

“Miss Krey-Krey,” he said, keeping it calm and level. “My name is Zun Crolkaa of Black Sun Bounties. We are executing a bounty warrant for your arrest and detention pending trial at the Allied Government Headquarters at Mos Indri. Do you understand?”

Her smile didn’t budge. She said: “Oh, hi, Zun Crolkaa! It’s nice to meet you. I’m fully cognizant of my actions most of the time. I’m not crazy, I’m just on drugs which are apparently really really powerful. I’m assuming the charges are for about sixty-odd cases of homicide?”

Zun’s blood ran cold. How was this a Juddite? he wondered. He’d had differences with those, but at least they’d always seemed honorable, by their lights. This bitch seemed almost psychopathic.

“Yes, that’s what it’s about,” he confirmed. “Glad we’re on the same page, Miss Krey-Krey. Does that mean you’ll come quietly?”

“Oh, I cum very loudly.” She giggled. It did not sound like a sane giggle. “Gets messy, too. My mister taught me all about that. I’m going back to him and be his good little fuck-toy. Unless you need a fuck-toy. Might not be a good idea though, when I get to a certain place bad things can happen. That’s what happened at the Temple of Kweia, you know. I was having fun, I didn’t want to kill them, but then I saw her and I had to go. I’m trying to calm myself down, probably for the best, really.”

Zun felt his skin crawling. The more she talks, the more she gives me the willies. “I’m asking if you’ll come peacefully with us to the authorities, Miss Krey-Krey.”

She shrugged. “No reason not to, I suppose. But maybe you’d better ask them.”

She pointed her laserblade hilt past him. He resisted turning, figuring it for a distraction, but he saw Bull on his left glance back… then double-take. “Boss!”

Zun swung around. “Fuck. Fuck.”

A group of about a dozen leathery-skinned Kwiikwegs had just come marching around the corner. There were wearing mismatched scraps of armor, had bright fetishes woven into the dreadlocks sprouting from the back of their bald heads, and were sporting silver badges with black skulls on them. Pirates of Kweia. The leader was carrying a sword: he pointed past them at Krey-Krey.

“We congratulate you on capturing the Bitch,” he snarled. “Now turn her over.”

“We’re taking her in, man, don’t do anything nuts,” Zun said calmly. “We’re executing your own organization’s bounty warrant, for fuck’s sake.”

“Hell for bounty warrants, we didn’t agree to no such thing.” The leader’s sword didn’t waver. His men had produced blaster pistols. “Revenge for our brothers is at hand, now hand the Bitch over or we take her over your corpses.”

“You. Cannot. Have. Our. Payday.” Zun announced it clearly, signalling subtly to his men with one hand. About to get hot. “Stand down. Final warning.”

“Fuck you, hunter scum,” the Kwiikweg snarled. Called out to his men: “Kill these fuckers! Bring me the Bitch!”

And the shooting started.

###

The girls gave Isi the deciding vote on whether to go after the Princess. They all felt for Krey-Krey, Gem figured she still knew things they might need… but she had done what she had done. Surprisingly, it didn’t take Isi long to vote in favor.

“Remember she’s still suffering from the sexstim drug, not to mention all the other things she told us about. It wasn’t really her. She still deserves help, the only friends any of us have are each other.”

Gem frequently felt like the galaxy didn’t deserve Isi’duzit. She and Jessa had exchanged nods: Jessa clearly conflicted, she clearly was getting to have feelings about Isi and didn’t like rescuing someone who’d hurt her. But if Isi could forgive… well.

They piled out into their stolen landspeeder, which they were going to have to get rid of soon. Tried to guess which way the Princess might have gone. Gem wagered the self-flagellating nature of her message probably meant looking for atonement: going into the greatest danger for her. Which also means for us. Nothing for it.

It didn’t take long to hit paydirt. About three blocks after crossing into Trashtown, they ran across a scene of mayhem. There were two groups engaged in a roiling blaster firefight: clearly having the better of it were a quartet of guys in black berets who Gem and Jessa recognized, actually among the more competent and professional bounty hunters on Metooine… which meant not wanting to run into them. But behind the firefight, there was another speeder racing away from the scene, and they recognized it, too: distinctive flame decals. Another group of bounty hunters, the truly scummy kind… and they recognized a pair of shapely legs waving outside one of its back windows, being drawn in.

Scavengers stealing meat while the apex predator was distracted. They were absconding with Krey-Krey! Gem tore out on their trail.

“Do you know what to do when we catch them?” Isi asked tensely from the back seat.

“Oh yes,” Gem exchanged glances with Jessa and grinned, her heart pounding. “I’ve got an idea…”

###

“Woohoo!” The leader of the trio of bounty hunters who’d unceremoniously scooped up Krey-Krey as the Black Suns and the pirates were battling it out was celebrating. “Greatest hunters of all time, baby, of all time! We got us the Bitch! Quarter-mil, baby, you’re worth a quarter-mil, y’know that?”

Handsome but perpetually stoned, Rex Kygris wasn’t used to having epic wins in the biz, but clearly this day belonged to the crew of the Maximus Rex. His elation seemed to prove infectious even to pretty little naked slip of a thing kicking, face-down and apparently helpless, in the lap of his Mugualish first mate in the back seat. She was wide-eyed and appropriately appreciative.

“Wow! A quarter-million. That’s a lot.” She twisted and looked around at them, up at the walrus-faced Pozo who was staring down at her hatefully with his bulbous eyes. He croaked and hissed irritably at her in his species’ tongue.

Rex frowned. “Uh… yeah, I’m with Pozo on this one, baby. You ain’t supposed to be excited for us, you’re the mark. We’re carting you off to certain doom and all.”

In the passenger seat, his battle droid companion HRM-3R or “Harm” for short, said flatly: “Observation: There is no understanding meatbags.”

“Wow, certain doom?” Her eyes widened and fluttered all pretty and helpless-like, a true damsel in distress. “That sounds terrifying!”

“Honestly, why do you not sound convinced?” Rex was getting more irritable. “Pozo, why don’t you spank that bitch? She’s harshing my buzz here, man.”

Pozo promptly whacked the target’s pale, shapely ass. “Oooh!” A hand flew to her mouth. “Ohhh my, have I been naughty?” She looked up ‘fearfully’ at Pozo. “Are you gonna spank me again? Spank me like a naughty bitch? That would be terrible…”

“Goddammit, you’re not supposed to enjoy it, bitch,” Rex snapped. “Do you really not know the rules here?”

“Oh, no, sir… I’m a very stupid bitch who doesn’t know anything, sir… I guess you’ll have to teach me anyway you can…” She said it breathily, her color rising. “I’m sure you won’t stop at anything to make me understand who’s boss, sir, I’m so terrified of all the things you’ll do to me…”

Pozo made to spank her again, but Rex forestalled him. “No, man, something ain’t right here.” There was some angle he wasn’t figuring here. It also occurred him that the warrant was for north of five dozen murders, all of them armed men who knew how to fight. “Say, girlie, you really kill sixty men? Like, you guilty or innocent or some shit? That a real laserblade you got there?”

She wriggled around on her back. “Oh, no sir. It’s a vibrator. You want to see how I use it? I’m a really dirty little bitch with it sir, I try to treat myself with it like, you know, imagining how if I had a pimp he’d pound me really hard like a dumb fucking slut?” She was spreading her legs wide, licking her lips and opening up her sweet young cunt, her green eyes glittering. “I could never kill anybody, sir, unless they fucked me so hard and long they gave themselves a heart attack… maybe we should put it to the test?”

“Fuck.” Rex frowned. Even Pozo’s customary malice had cooled into confusion. The chick was playing with her pussy already, there were wet sounds from the fingers she was plying her slit with. “What the fuck is this? Somehow this isn’t how I pictured capturing a mass murderer would be, man…”

“Announcement.” Harm’s sleek assault droid head suddenly twitched. “Incoming transmission from the Guildmaster.” The droid tapped the speeder’s comms console. “Observation: In my experience, meatbags have difficulty processing unexpected data. You will need to pull the speeder over or I predict a ninety-eight percent probability you will crash us upon reading the message.”

“Huh. Really.” Rex sucked his teeth a bit: Harm didn’t say stuff like that unless he meant it. “Alright, alright, alright. Lemme pull us over. Too many of these pirate fuckers out here anyway.”

“Not enough fuckers out here, you ask me, sir…” The target was squirming sluttily in Pozo’s lap, already plying her wet pink folds with her ‘dildo’ and moaning. “Mmmm… too bad… fuck I do need to get fucked… I can feel it, fuck… oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck… feel it taking over again, fuck I need to be treated like a bitch, sir… I’m not kidding, sir, I’m sorry for kinda playing around before I’m really sorry okay, I’m… total fucking honesty here now I really need a fucking dick, sir I’m actually not fucking around now I’m burning up, seriously… fuck I’m fucking burning up I need you to abuse me, please oh please oh please I need someone to fuck me like they fucking hate me…”

She’s weirding me out, man, damn. But Rex couldn’t deny she was making him hard as a rock, too, even if it was the weirdest possible boner at the weirdest possible time. He blinked, sweeping a lock of his long hair out of his eyes, squinted at the screen. Okay, let’s check this message out… whoa. Wait… what?

He sat up very straight. Looked over at Harm. “No chance that’s a prank, right?”

“Confirmation: Message verified. If it’s a prank, it’s from someone who has beaten Guild encryption.”

“And that would be hard, right?” Rex was trying to block out the increasingly filthy and frantic feminine babbling from the backseat.

“Answer: I could not do it.” Harm said this as if it covered the possibilities definitively.

Rex scratched his jaw, cogitating. “Well… what do you think?”

“Affirmation: I am programmed and equipped for all forms of assault pertaining to meatbag targets,” Harm replied bloodlessly. “Including that one.”

“Fair enough.” He looked back at Pozo. “Pozo, Guildmaster says there’s an anonymous ‘trusted client’ offering a bonus to anyone who just catch-and-releases the Bitch here, but only as long as they kinda… fuck with her a bit, you know what I mean. You up for it?”

Pozo looked down at her. The bulbous bottom of his hideous alien face was, despite himself, growing pink and swollen, an unmistakable sign of a certain something from a Mugualish. After he mused for a moment, he looked up and nodded.

Rex grinned. “Alright, honey, looks like you’re gonna get your wish, how you like the sound of that? Uhhh…”

She was already cramming the full length of her ‘dildo’ ferociously into her cunt, her juices exploding around it as she writhed and moaned. Her voice was skirling up to a barely-restrained scream of feral lust, now: “Ffffuuuckkk are you fucking KIDDING ME you FUCK ugghhh ughhhh ughhh UGGHH UGHHH GET THE FUCK OVER HERE and MAKE ME YOUR FUCKING BITCH WITH YOUR FUCKING DICK you FUCKER haven’t you heard a FUCKING THING I FUCKING SAID you gotta fucking FUCK ME!!!”

Rex and his mates exchanged looks. He shrugged. “Well. Oookay then. Let me get us somewhere a bit more private.”

###

It didn’t take the girls long to find the second bounty hunter speeder. They had pulled into what was no doubt Rex Kygris’ idea of privacy, just one level up from the in-ramp of what was once a parking facility for a library. The library was long gone, just a den of squatters now, but Kygris – characteristically – hadn’t troubled to move fully out of sight. Gem shook her head as she saw what was happening.

“Well, looks like Rex was in a hurry,” remarked Jessa drily.

Right next to the Maximus Rex crew’s official landspeeder, which was decorated with flame decals and a flaming “MR” on the hood, Princess Krey-Krey was taking a hard spitroasting. Packing her pussy from behind was Rex’s hideous Mugualish first mate, Uexus Pozo, a nasty piece of work who both Jessa and Tanni had been lucky enough to avoid having to fuck. So far. Tall, rangy Rex had his back to them, his trousers down and his admittedly-cute buttocks flexing as he fucked Krey-Krey’s face. She was writhing and bucking back as hard as she possibly could against Pozo’s thrusts, clawing at Rex’s back and ass desperately as she sucked him to the root.

Presently standing watch was Rex’s infamous assault droid, HRM-3R. Harm had his blaster pistol at the ready and stood impassively facing the in-ramp, seemingly indifferent to the torrid public fuck happening one level up.

The girls powered their speeder down across the street. Took in the scene for a moment. Gem looked at the other two and said: “Okay, are we still doing this?”

“I feel like every time we ask ourselves that, we wind up feeling afterwards like the answer should’ve been no,” Jessa said. But getting a reproving look from Isi, she threw up her hands. “But yes, of course, yes we’re doing this. Right Isi?”

“That is right.” Isi nodded firmly. “We can’t leave our friend with those. We should go right now.”

“No time like the present.” Gem nodded.

Climbing out of their speeder and striking across the street, the girls didn’t trouble downplaying their slutty garb and sensual beauty. They made the most of it. Gem and Jessa had been dancers not that long ago, and Isi a holovid performer and courtesan: they had all the training they needed to be a devastating cock-stiffening spectacle of allure. All had on their most brassy hip-swaying stripper strut, Isi taking the lead with those heavy boobs bouncing impressively with every stride. Harm watched them approach with apparent impassiveness, but counter-intuitive though it was, Gem and Jessa had assured Isi that the droid was far from immune to sexual seduction.

It was proving true now. If he’d been a humanoid, Harm would absolutely be known as a breast man. “Command: State your purpose, meatbags,” his flat voice challenged them as they drew closer. But the droid’s glowing ocular slits tracked Isi unerringly, ignoring her companions.

And his finger was not on the trigger of his blaster. That was when you knew you had him.

They were close enough, at this distance, to hear the slapping of flesh against flesh and the graphic squealing, choking, gurgling and mewling sounds of Krey-Krey’s hard-pounding double-fuck. Gem and Jessa’s ears both reddened slightly on hearing Rex’s signature, “Alright, baby, yeaaahhhh that’s the stuff, who loves ya baby?” pillow talk, and they exchanged wry glances. Corny-assed motherfucker, Gem thought. Does have a nice dick, though… focus, girl.

“We just saw you having this nice party,” Gem said, leaning against Isi’s shoulder and winking. “Thought we’d come over and see if we can add a little sugar and spice, you know what I mean.”

Isi was doing her part. There was a trick that exotic dancers learned where if you really wanted to rivet a punter’s attention, you made eye contact with him, flourished the body part you wanted him to focus on, then looked down at it and back up at him, like you were bonding with him in shared horniness over your fine damned self. Isi had this down to a tee: she was plumping up her beautiful tits with both hands, squishing them together, working the routine on Harm as though he were an actual guy.

It was a bit harder to do with Harm because the droid had no facial expressions to cue off. Nevertheless, after a moment the droid said: “Observation: Meatbag anatomical database updated. Female mammalian mammary glands, qualitative assessment: upper first percentile. Demand: Name or alias required for reference purposes. You will supply it.”

And that’s Harm “flirting.” Gem suppressed a laugh as Isi blinked, trying to process what he was saying, and then caught on. She grinned, licked her lips as she squeezed and rubbed those fabulous titties together again and said in a voice and accent completely transformed from her own: “You can call me Easy, baby. What’s your name?”

“Easy. Cataloguing reference. Introduction: I am HRM-3R, fully functional assault droid programmed for hazardous rapid maneuver operations, specializing in reconnaissance, raid and rendition.” He paused for effect and added: “And of course, romance. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Isi tittered. “Oh my, you are funny. Anybody ever tell you that?”

“Observation: Databanks indicate less than one half of one percent of meatbags I have encountered have been able to detect my humor subroutines. ‘Easy’ filed in ‘quality aesthetic taste’ database accordingly.” Harm lowered his blaster. “Confirmation: You may approach.”

As Isi sauntered in to keep Harm’s attention on her, Gem and Jessa strutted on by to join the party with the Princess. All according to plan so far... let’s hope it stays that way.

###

The Bitch’s mouth was warm and wet and so ravenously eager that Rex, who normally prided himself on his staying power, was having a real struggle to hold his nut. He’d been astonished when she started out by deep-throating him to the root, choking on the mass of his dick as she pushed her tongue out to lick at his balls while Pozo – no slouch in the endowment department himself – proceeded to heedlessly hate-fuck her from behind.

“GLHCK-gllkchh-glck-glck-glck-glck-GLCK-GLCK-GLLLACKHH-GLLCKKHH-GLLLCKHHH…” The Bitch’s moans and gurgles around his meat had Rex rock hard, her frantic clawing at him both painful and stimulating as Pozo did his level best to pound a breach in her cervix, walloping her ass as hard as he could, as frequently as he could. Rex, gritting his teeth, didn’t even think to try to calm his first mate down.

“Alright, baby,” he gasped, trying to hold it at least partially together, wrapping his fingers in her hair as he held her head in place just for a little bit, gently fucking her mouth. “Yeaaahhh… that’ the stuff, yeah, suck that dick… ughhh… who loves you, baby… Rex loves you, yeahhh, that’s real good…”

As he let go, to his surprise, the Bitch reared up and spat his dick out, wanking his wet prick furiously as she threw back hard against Pozo’s determinedly vicious thrusts. Grabbing Rex by the neck, she made crazed eye contact and then lunged in and kissed him hard, reaching down with her other hand now to knead his balls as she gasped her feral passion into his mouth.

“Mmmmphhh,” Rex said. “Mmmm hmmmphhh. Mmmm hmmphhh.”

“Mmmmm mmmmphhh mmmm hmmmm hmmmphhhh mmmmphhhh MMPHHH MMMPHHH MMMPHHH,” replied the Bitch, sucking his tongue as her young body lathered with sweat and Pozo’s pounding clearly drove her over the edge. Writhing and wriggling as her moans escalated in muffled shrieks into Rex’s mouth, she tensed up and then Pozo gave a shout and Rex heard the sustained wet stream of an epic feminine squirt, the kind of thing he himself only ever experienced with one other woman. “MMMMMHHHMMMMPHHHHH!”

Wow, hot damn… ohhh shit… Even as he registered the Bitch’s volcanic sexiness, he realized her wanking at his prick and teasing of his balls was about to send him over the edge. And as the Bitch finally relinquished his mouth to go back down on him, the electric feeling of orgasm exploding from his prick as his spunk blasted out of him once, twice, three times, four, coating her hungry tongue as she moaned and lapped it all up and swallowed it and gasped and engulfed his twitching prick in her eager, wet mouth once more, the endorphin high of the climax hitting him as the sexy young thing started to mewl and moan from Pozo’s renewed and even more brutal attentions to her cunt…

… Rex looked to his left and straight-up thought he was hallucinating. Because standing there, smiling hornily up at him as she grabbed his naked ass and licked her lips and her blue eyes glittered with pure lust, was none other than Tanni fucking Gem.

“Tuh… Tanni…” he gasped deliriously. This ain’t happening… is it?

“Hey, sexy Rexy.” She was in this crazy tight mesh dress that really concealed nothing at all, especially when she let it ride up that cute little ass and exposed her shaved pussy, grabbing one of his hands and pulling it between her firm young thighs to sample that dripping, wet, ever-ready, ever-slutty cunt of hers. She licked her lips, affecting mock shock as he almost unconsciously starting to finger her slippery socket, looked back up at him. “Been a while, how you been, baby?”

He heard another feminine voice talking to Pozo, looked over and saw Jessa Zaar in a similar state of semi-dress, feathering her fingers over Pozo’s furry, muscular chest as his first mate looked at her in surprise and—perhaps a first for either of them—without hostility. His brain swam with confusion.

Rex had never believed in the Source. Mystic energy fields weren’t his thing, baby, he was magic enough all on his own. But this. Especially with what just came down from the Guild… what else could this be? Even as the thought was swimmingly drunkenly across his brain, he could feel Tanni, ohhhh naughty little Tani feathering one of those naughty little fingers of hers up between his buttocks, teasing his ass with it as she said: “I missed you, sexy Rexy. Did you miss your filthy little Gem?”

Oh shit, Rex thought deliriously. I swear I’m gonna pass out…

###

Gem and Jessa had met Rex Kygris on their second “job” as bounty hunters. Back then, he and the Maximus Rex crew had been firmly ensconced as the bottom-feeders of the Metooine bounty hunting world, mostly known – then as now – for scavenging whatever wins they got off the work of worthier crews. They just… weren’t that good. Rex’s chiseled handsomeness and big dick were about all he had going for him, neither of much use in bounty hunting; Harm’s tendency to get distracted by the nearest set of big breasts caused him to underperform as an assault droid; and Pozo’s boundless rage against most living things made for poor judgement that often landed them in hot water.

On the planet Hwilekk, the tables were turned. The girls of the Euphoria were inexperienced and fearful after their first job had ended in their both being fucked into delirium by a plant alien that pumped all their holes full of hallucinogenic sap. They were still trying to live that one down, and for once, Rex and his boys found themselves the apex predators in the local biz, trying to track down a Quallan smuggler who luckily was not all that bright himself. Rex’s boys found him—after Pozo unnecessarily hospitalized a few would-be informants, mind, but they found him—and shortly after that, the girls came visiting when Pozo was out drinking and Harm was out cruising the hooker stroll for “biological assessment” purposes.

They had treated Rex to what, if Gem did say so herself, was probably the most torrid three-way fuck of his life at that point. He later claimed that Tanni gave him his first rimjob, of which she’d felt perversely proud. They’d slammed themselves down on his dick, sat on his face, begged for it up their tight asses –with each girl periodically popping Rex’s prick out to clean it with her mouth and share Sapphic tongue-kisses with her bestie – spanked and trash-talked themselves when Rex couldn’t get his head around those particular duties. Jessa came all over his dick in seeming never-ending chain orgasms, and Gem had hosed him down with enough squirt to practically drown him.

Faced by the sexual hunger of two of the very sluttiest sluts the galaxy had to offer, even Rex’s staying power wasn’t enough. He eventually passed out with exhaustion, whereupon they’d stolen the info on his datapad and gone after the mark themselves.

Unfortunately for them, the epic fuck session hadn’t left them in any condition to square off with the Quallan smuggler and both their blasters failed at the same time: they were tied up and turned into helpless fuckmeat by a bounty yet again. Still, they’d had the consolation of getting the better of Rex and his crew, who never did claim that particular bounty either. Rex never admitted to his biz partners, Gem was pretty sure, what exactly had happened… and perhaps he alone in the hunting community had shown a kind of grudging respect and affection for Gem and Jessa ever since.

That was the main reason this might work. As Gem and Jessa went to work now, they had their eyes on the discarded blasters of their targets sitting on the nearby pavement. It was going to take some doing to go for those blasters without alerting the men and taking a face full of fist, especially from Pozo. But if it could be done, their charms would do it.

They just had to hope Isi was up to holding Harm’s attention long enough for that to happen…

###

HRM-3R, Assault Droid Biological Assessment Report (Compiling)

Research Subject: ‘Easy’ (probable alias)

Sex: Female Species: Tri’lik Approximate Measurements: 168 cm in height, 32-24-33.

Primary Area of Inquiry: Identifying ‘Pleasure-Pain Threshold’ of Mammalian Female Meatbags for Operational Purposes

Secondary Areas of Inquiry: Potential of Mammary Gland Jiggle Physics, Vaginal Suction and Secretion, and Overall Data Input from Sexual Activity to Diminish Unit’s Operational Readiness

Ongoing Notes:

I have identified a female mammalian meatbag for inclusion as a subject in my ongoing study of the mammalian female “pleasure-pain” threshold. Sexual assault and terror tactics being useful in field operations of a wide variety, I continue to collect this data for usage in the potential manipulation of female meatbags in the course of such operations.

Secondary inquiry into personal operational readiness. Continuing to fortify subroutines against the distracting possibility of meatbag jiggle physics -- given the near-infinite and ineffable mathematical possibilities of said physics, particular as regards the jiggling of the humanoid female mammary gland during increasingly vigorous acts of coitus – combined with the difficulty of maintaining focus while processing sensory data from penetration of female meatbag orifices with onboard Assault Phallic Instrument.

Record of Research:

<Subject> “Wow, you’ve got a really sleek design, you know that?”

<HRM-3R> “Confirmation: I am optimized for efficiency, effectiveness and visual and aesthetic impressiveness in assault operations of various kinds. All of these factors present operational advantages, much as your sleek and aesthetically impressive genetics would confer upon you evolutionary advantages in the mating pool of your meatbag species.”

<Subject> (High-pitched diaphragmatic “giggle” response) “Hey, did you just say I’m sexy? That’s really sweet of you.”

<HRM-3R> “Elucidation: It is practical. When selecting meatbags to make example of during an assault operation, the most physically attractive specimens make the boldest impression on other meatbags.”

<Subject> “So… when you say assault operations of various kinds… does that mean hard and… soft targets?”

<Subject osculates of oral organ around tip of left index finger, proceeds to pull mico-bikini gusset aside to expose [colloquial-ref01:tight-looking young pussy] and move finger around [colloquial-ref08:clit]>

<HRM-3R> “Confirmation: My onboard API is effective at breaching sexual defences of all kinds and delivering an overwhelming erotic experience to selected targets. I am programmed for forceful, relentless and inventive insertion of the API to drive selected female meatbag subjects to repeated climax as determined by operational necessity.”

<Subject> “Oooohhh… That’s fucking hot, baby… And what’s your uhhh, operational necessity right now?”

<HRM-3R> “Answer: Operational priority was to secure perimeter of this area. Condition satisfied. Upon contact with ‘Easy’ my parameters have self-redefined to ‘pleasure sexually-optimized meatbag female until she cannot actuate her brain’s linguistic centers.’ Commencing operation.”

<Subject> “Oh yeah? You’re gonna fuck Easy’s little brains out, huh? Come and get it baby, I fucking want it…”

<HRM-3R> “Annotation: While not strictly relevant, your consent is noted for research files.”

<HRM-3R activates onboard Assault Phallic Instrument>

<HRM-3R> “Announcement: Colloquial mode engaged to facilitate erotic activity. Suck my dick, you hot little meatbag bitch.”

<Subject> (Gasps) “Damn baby, look at this thing… how’s poor little Easy gonna take all this in her tight little fuckhole, huh? I can’t wait for you to show me…”

<research ongoing>

###

Isi quickly discovered that getting fucked by an assault droid would, surprisingly, be one of the more unique and sexually fascinating experiences she’d had so far.

The rigid rubber phallus he extruded from his crotch was massive: a thick black cock a full foot long which he helpfully informed her he could customize for the orifices of various “meatbag species” as per “operational requirements.” In her case this meant a gloriously sculpted cut cock with lot of prominent veins and ridges and a thick imitation ballsack at the base that even had individual little rubber hairs on it. She’d been genuinely impressed that it even gave the impression of heating and throbbing from within, and as she sucked and swallowed it down avidly it leaked copious amount of a viscous, pungent pre-cum that thrilled her tastebuds.

She found suddenly that her ‘performance’ was getting a lot more genuinely horny as Harm took hold of her by her head-tails, his grip surprisingly gentle and showing incredible finesse in exploiting the erogenous nerve endings there to send waves of horny delight from her scalp right down to the tips of her toes and most especially to her increasingly wet pussy. Intriguingly he was more considerate than the average ‘meatbag’ male, he didn’t try to control the rhythm but just enhanced her enjoyment of the rhythm they already had. She did her best to show her appreciation.

“Mmmmm hmmmphhh hmmmphhhh glllmmmmphhh,” she moaned as she sucked it, soaking it in her spit as she couldn’t help but play with her pussy. So sensitive from her recent gang-fucking on the northside, it seemed it still wanted more, after all. She still wanted more. Nasty little bitch… I really DO fucking want it… so GOOD… She slobbered on the artificial cock, spat on it, wanked at it experimentally as she asked Harm: “Yeah, do you feel this soft little hand on your dick, baby? Does it feel good?”

“Confirmation: The API records tactile sensor data and transmits it,” Harm informed her. “The data could be called ‘pleasure.’ Announcement: Colloquial mode engaged to facilitate erotic activity. Get over to that wall and bend over, bitch. I’m taking your tight little meatbag pussy.”

“Ohhh yeah?” she licked her lips, wanked him a little longer to draw out the suspense, said: “What if I wanted to see if you can cum right here? Can you…” She reached for his idiosyncratic droid language: “ ‘Simulate meatbag reproductive fluids’ for me?”

“Exclamation: I… cannot be distracted from… my operational parameters…” Harm’s language processors seemed to begin to stall. “I… cannot.. processing excess pleasure data… subject is adept at… manual stimulation…” She winked up at him and tongued the head of his artificial prick as she set to wanking it with both hands, now, and Harm emitted a high-pitched BLEEP that resolved into: “Plea: Require movement onto… next phase… Harm will simulate meatbag reproductive fluid… in order to…. BLEEEEP facilitate research progress…”

“That mean you’re gonna cum for me, baby?” she breathed up at him with a wicked smile, picking  up the pace of her wanking. “You’re gonna cum all over your sexy little meatbag bitch’s pretty face? Come on, baby, give it to me… give it to me, baby… give me your CUM…”

“ExclaBLEEEEEP I… BLEEEEP fluid simulation commencing… imminent… release imminent… alert… RELEASE IMMINENT… BLEEEP…” And the droid’s phallus suddenly spewed out a river of white viscous fluid that looked, smelled and tasted a lot like cum.

He had to have a large reservoir of it somewhere, though, because it kept pumping and pumping and pumping all over her, big slimy bullets of it drenching her face, spurting all over her sexy tits, flowing down her belly, firing into her mouth as she caught and swallowed as much of its as she could while she fingered her cunt and came off all over her hand, crying out in passion as her pussy clutched and creamed again and again and Harm finally relented after splattering her with his fifteenth consecutive volley of robo-spunk.

Panting in the wake of orgasm, she watched Harm recover from the experience in his own mechanical way. “Reassurance: Resetting… recalibrating… recalibration complete. Thank you, ‘Easy,’ for the valuable research data. Now, proceed with operation…”

But Isi had found that she liked the idea of making a machine lover lose control. It was hot. She wanted more of it. And so she cut Harm off from his original rail of actions once again by whipping off what was passing for her bikini top, squishing and slathering her wet tits together as seductively as she could, licking a big dollop of his simulated cum off one and then the other of them, and then swallowing hard as she wrapped her breasts into a hot, slick, supple tunnel around his prick. “Sure you don’t want to fuck my titties, first, baby? Sure you don’t want me to use these big, wet titties to stroke off your hot cock and make you cum all over your horny little meatbag bitch again?”

“BLEEEEP…”

###

Jessa inserted herself into the proceedings between Pozo and the Princess as seamlessly as she could manage it. The normally hostile Mugualish had had some of his edge taken off by the sweet, clasping depths of Krey-Krey’s welcoming pussy and especially by wild way she bucked back at him, the two of them laboring together to stuff as much of his thick, night-black meat up her fuckhole as they possibly could. The thought of fucking this creature had always repelled her but it had, she realized, mostly been about how atavistic and violent he was. Seeing him a bit mellowed out suggested… other possibilities.

She gambled that that little butt-faced “chin” at the bottom of his face was actually an erogenous zone: with others of his species, she’d often seen it engorge and get pinker when they’d watch her dance or get fucked in public. She tickled it, and he’d let out a little hiss of pleasure. Then she’d felt up his—actually quite muscular—ass, pulled it into even deeper and harder strokes into Krey-Krey’s slippery cunt as she leaned in and kissed and licked Pozo’s sensitive, bulbous facial sacs.

That sent him over the edge. “HHSSSSSSS…” The sound came out of him like a punctured balloon as he pulled his prick free of Krey-Krey’s pulled and fired ropes of hot cum all over her back and ass. Krey-Krey promptly frigged her clitty and dosed both of them in a massive squirt fit to make Tanni Gem herself proud. They watched her writhe to slutty completion, her taut body shuddering in the wake of ecstasy: whereupon Jessa, according to her own hastily-improvised plan—each of the girls had picked their own target to seduce—leaned over the Princess and started to lick up and eat all that tasty, pungent jism.

As she did it, she took two more crucial steps: the first, letting her dress ride up to fully expose her wet pussy and the tight star of her asshole to Pozo’s attention. The second, without finesse or gentleness, corkscrewing all five of her fingers into an instrument of erotic invasion and slamming them into Krey-Krey’s pussy.

“Mmmmmphhhh!” At that point, Krey-Krey had already found herself eating Gem’s sweet cunt instead of sucking Rex’s dick, which was now getting jammed up Tanni’s willing asshole. The Princess broke off from her vigorous pussy-worship to look back in erotic shock, and maybe just plain shock, to find Jessa Zaar fisting her. Jessa licked her lips and gave the horny, sexy bitch what she knew that fire inside her needed most right now.

“Didn’t think you were gonna get away without us punishing your little fucking bitch ass, did you Princess? Gonna get what fucking deserve now, you ready to get fucked up you hot little slutty fuckin’ bitch? I don’t think you can take it… can you fuckin’ take what’s coming to you fuckin’ BITCH you think you can FUCKIN TAKE IT, HUH?”

“Uhhhhghhh,” Krey-Krey moaned, her eyes going vulnerable and flashing with a moment of intense gratitude that seemed to convey many things at once. She was already squirting again as she begged: “Ohhhh fuck yeahhhh I fucking deserve it… fucking USE me like your little BITCH Jessa ohhhh fuuuckking FUUUCKKK that’s what I need… MMPHHHHH!”

“You’re not done with that pussy yet, bitch…” Gem gritted at her Royal Highness, pushing her face back into her wet cunt as she ground her gaping chute back on Rex’s rutting, throbbing cock – the bounty hunter looking like a man in a trance as this all played out in front of him – and building to an epic squirt of her own as she trash-talked their sexy new friend: “You’re gonna eat that cunt and drink my FUCKING SQUIRT like a GOOD LITTLE FUCKING SLUT, Princess.. drink it down and then taste my DIRTY FUCKING ASS off Sexy Rexy’s big dick while you EAT all his SLIMY FUCKING SPUNK, you got it BITCH?”

“MMMMGHHHMMMPHHH!” Krey-Krey writhed and squirted again as Jessa worked a second set of fingers up her asshole and Pozo, swiftly recovered, grabbed the petite caramel-skinned hottie by the pigtails, lined up his hot cockhead at the mouth of her asshole and rammed it home, stretching her own and taking her thrust by thrust into her own place of babbling trash-talking ecstasy, reaching around her to finger-blast her cunt as hard as she was doing for Krey-Krey’s and take her on a wild roller-coaster multi-orgasmic ride.

The four of them became like a single incandescent organism of interlocking sexes and climactic pleasure for what seemed like a sweet, filthy eternity. Jessa took Pozo’s rutting prick twice up her asshole and once up her cunt, exploding in passion as his cum filled her and she urged him on to fuck her like his stupid whore and fill her fucking holes and make her his cum-dumpster bitch, leaning back to slobber all over his facial sacs and urge him on to deeper and wilder thrusts, never letting up through it all on her brutal fist-fucking of the writhing, ecstatic Krey-Krey’s holes. Krey-Krey and Gem were like competitors for the Interstellar Squirting Games, and if there had really been such an event they would surely have tied for the gold medal.

Finally, the moment of true opportunity arrived. Gem had looked over at Pozo, leaned back against Rex – they were both thoroughly lathered in sweat at this point – and said: “Get you first mate over her, baby… your filthy little Gem needs two fucking cocks…” And the crewmates of the Maximus Rex looked at each other, nodded, and Pozo had gotten up to do his duty.

As Gem began to ride out a hot double-fuck – she’d clearly noted Jessa’s experiments with Pozo’s facial sacs and inspired him to new heights of vigor by carefully licking and kissing and sucking them just like they were a set of human balls – Jessa climbed up and claimed Krey-Krey in a kiss, licking up a redoubtable mixture of squirt and jizz and feeding it to her and making her swallow it before she pulled the Princess back atop her… so the guys wouldn’t hear what she whispered now.

###

For Krey-Krey, the shock and confusion of having the girls show up after she’d run away from them, after she’d been so sure they hated her and would never forgive her, was only matched by the conflagration of sweet pleasure that followed. The wrenching, shuddering climaxes of being plundered and dirty-talked by the two gorgeous babes who’d first appeared in her visions were incredible, speaking to the fires of the sexstim consuming her and driving her deep into herself.

But not, she noticed, driving her toward that dark place of erotic torment that had twice led her to reach out the Dark Half of the Source and cause so much death and destruction earlier this day. That was itself interesting, or would be when she could consciously note it as the tides of passion pulled back.

When they did, Jessa was licking up the squirt and spunk all over her face and feeding it to her, that trashy, sexy, incomparable beauty’s tongue flickering into her mouth, one delicate hand at her throat forcing her to swallow as she shuddered deliciously. Oh FUCK… so hot… And then Jessa was rearing back, pulling Krey-Krey in on top of her and coarsely demanding: “Who says you get all the fun, bitch? Better put those fucking fingers to work before I make you suck all that slimy cum out of my fuckholes, come on, get ‘em in there… ohhhh… mmmmhhmmmm…”

They kissed deeply as Krey-Krey happily obliged, and as the kiss broke and Jessa moaned deliciously as she drove her sloppy, cream-pied cunt down on those fingers, she moved her mouth to her lover’s ear and whispered: “We’re here to help, Princess… we’re getting off this rock, we want you… uhhhh… ohhhh fuuckk… we want you to come with us…”

Krey-Krey felt tears sting her eyes. Instinctively mimicked Jessa and whispered back. “I… I don’t deserve to… I’m a bad person, I’m a failure, I’m…”

“You’re our friend,” Jessa was hugging her hard now, out of more than just sexual passion – although there was certainly that – as their firm young bodies slid and writhed together. “You’re hurting, but even through your hurt you saved me and Gem from those perverts back in northside… even through your hurt you’ve been trying to find the truth, to talk sense to us. We want you with us.”

“But… but Isi…” The tears were flowing freely now. “How could Isi ever… after I…”

“Isi got the deciding vote on whether to come after you, Princess,” Jessa whispered. “She insisted, she doesn’t blame you. She forgives you.”

“Isi… she’s here?”

“Shhhh…” Jessa whispered with a puckish smile now. “Listen…”

They took a moment and past the grunts and slapping flesh and the sounds of Gem’s stream of dirty talk as she fucked Rex and Pozo, another sound could be heard. A feminine voice crying out: “Ohhhh fuck yeah baby fuck your little meatbag BITCH in the ASS with that HOT COCK… do ANYTHING you want to your nasty little MEATBAG SLUT baby you KNOW I FUCKING LOVE IT… Fuuckk yeah play with those wet fucking titties while you tear my ASS up baby I want you to cum up my FUCKING ASS baby FUUUCK AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH AIIIIEEEEE!” Krey-Krey looked back at Jessa in wonderment.

“That’s Isi?”

“Sure is. She’s keeping their assault droid occupied. Now there’s something I need you to do with me.”

“Sure, Jessa…” Krey-Krey kissed her on impulse, and Jessa kissed her back hard, their tongues dancing briefly before they broke off. “Anything. Anything.”

“See that blaster lying on the deck to the left of us?” Krey-Krey looked over and nodded. “We’re gonna just happen to roll left on a count of three… two… one…”

###

As Gem squirted around Pozo’s deep, jarring thrusts and took a second consecutive load of Rex’s spunk up her ass, her belly quivering and her body shuddering with a final sweet helping of naughty pleasure, she knew it was time. Giving Pozo’s wet facial sacs a final kiss – for once the Mugualish was looking at her with something like actual friendliness, a miracle in itself – she leaned back into Rex’s ear and whispered: “You’ve been so good to my ass today, Sexy Rexy… I think it’s time for your filthy little Gem to do that thing you like, don’t you?”

“Ohhh damn.” Rex moaned in near-delirium. “What is this day? How does a slob like me deserve a day like this? Damn…”

“That a yes, baby?”

“Fuck yeah, Tanni… do what you gotta do…”

As Pozo released her and she slid down to the ground, she swiftly crawled behind Rex, taking hold of his slippery prick and wanking it as she tongued his balls, up across her taint, and slid her tongue into his tangy asshole, licking it, kissing it, spitting on it…

… and looking over to where his blaster lay, just within reach. She twirled a finger around the rim of his sphincter and pushed it into him to keep him distracted.

“Agghhh… Gem, that’s…”

“Shhh, baby, just enjoy it,” she cooed, replacing the finger with her tongue as she reached back and very quietly, very carefully, picked the blaster up.

She broke off, still wanking Rex’s throbbing prick as she looked around his right hip, sizing the situation up. A sex-drunk Pozo was looking around as if he’d forgotten something, and then forgotten what he’d forgotten. That wouldn’t last long, she suspected. She took the blaster into her lap now and went back into Rex’s ass with gusto, gobbling and slurping and tonguing as deep as she could as she put her strokes of her hand into overdrive, moving forward to slurp at his balls before going back up to his ass, spitting into it and then eating her own spit back out of it and swirling her tongue deeper and deeper and deep as she jacked his cock until…

“Ahhhaaaaghhh! Fuck, Gem… FUCK THAT’S…. AGGHHHHHH!”

Rex’s load boiled out of him, splashing the ground in front of him as he twitched in delirious pleasure. Whereupon Gem planted a hand on the small of his back and gently shoved him forward. He stumbled a little, chuckling through his erotic torpor: “Hey… hey whoa there, you little minx…”

Pozo had remembered what he’d forgotten. Looked over at where Jessa and Krey-Krey were lying, still making out. And froze.

The slender young beauties broke off their make-out session as Jessa saw him over Krey-Krey’s shoulder. Saw the moment of realization. She kissed the Princess gently on the ear and said to him: “It really was a treat getting to know a different side of you today, Pozo.” Her green eyes were resolute. “I hope there are no hard feelings, okay?”

The customary rage rekindled in Pozo’s eyes for a split second as he tried to charge her. But then Krey-Krey rolled off and the blaster came free, and though Jessa had never fancied herself a markswoman, hitting a man-sized target at five paces with a stun blast was something anyone could do. So she did it, and Pozo went down like a felled tree.

Rex looked on in shock. Looked back at Gem and saw his own blaster trained at him. Made as if to shout, but she held it steady on him and shook her head in warning. Gestured with the barrel: Hands up.

“Believe it or not, Sexy Rexy,” she said: “I’m a pretty good shot with a blaster in my hand that actually works. Now let’s have a chat, shall we?”

Rex cursed under his breath: “Fuck knew it was too good to be fucking true I knew it.” But he put his hands up.

###

Isi was thoroughly coated in Harm’s “simulated reproductive fluid” by the time her slit embarked on its third ride on his pistoning member. She had an arm wrapped around his neck and he had one of her legs pulled skyward for easy access to her cunt, and she squealed and moaned – making sure to give an extra-loud squeal when she heard the sound of a stun blast going off above, beside where his mates had parked their speeder – and dirty-talked him energetically. Just need to keep him focused for a moment more…

The droid’s strokes checked. He suddenly said: “Observation: Weapons fire detected. Blaster, stun setting.” He was cocking his head, replaying the audio for himself perhaps…

… Isi ground her cunt down on him extra-lasciviously, closing her eyes and leaning into him and saying: “Your little meatbag bitch needs more CUM, Droid daddy…”

… he hesitated a moment more, processors whirring between alternate priorities …

… and an imperious voice suddenly rung out from the street next to them.

“Halt and stay where you are, both of you!” There was an amused edge to that voice, despite its harshness. And it said: “Hey, Harm. Good to see you.”

The Droid was silent and still for a long, long moment. Then said: “Acknowledgment: Zun. You find me in a somewhat compromising position.”

Isi opened her eyes and looked over. Four men were standing there in a disciplined, spaced-out formation. They wore black berets and gunmetal grey body armor, held blaster rifles and looked thoroughly exhausted and pissed off. The lead man was ruggedly handsome, with eyes that looked older than the rest of him. Next to him was a big bull-necked bruiser with a similar air of the veteran. Behind them, two younger men of the same basic stamp who looked a lot like brothers.

“I suppose it’s not what it looks like,” said the one named Zun judiciously. Looked over at Isi and said: “Miss, perhaps you’d care to stand clear. We’ll talk in a moment.”

Harm released her leg and she stood five careful paces clear, careful not to push her luck as the big bull’s eyes clearly indicated: Far enough. She was suddenly highly aware of the fact that she was liberally coated in robot spooge… but somehow Harm’s discomfiture was even funnier. She was careful to keep a straight face, though.

“Confirmation: You did indeed find me in the midst of an ongoing biological research project,” Harm said. “Which of course may appear superficially sexual by meatbag standards – no offense.”

“None taken,” Zun said. “Perhaps you’d… care to retract?” He indicated Harm’s enormous rubber penis with his rifle barrel, which the Droid duly retracted.

“Contention: Questions of interpretation can be admittedly sticky,” the Droid said, putting his hands in the air. “For example, you may be of the opinion that we…”

“Kited our payday from under our noses this afternoon?” Zun supplied helpfully. “And then took off like the scavenging cowards you’re generally reputed to be?”

“And here we find you,” rumbled the big man. “Cheerfully taking advantage of that ‘trusted client’s’ offer. Fucking the brains out of the marks instead of taking them in. Sorry,” he amended. “Researching the brains out of the marks.”

“Query: Marks?” Harm sounded confused. “This research subject is…” The Droid paused. Accessing his databases and communication logs, and then he said: “Realization: Ah. Isi’duzit. ‘Easy.’ I appear to have missed something.”

“To be fair, a fine pair of tits can do that to most of us,” said Zun. Aside: “No offense, Miss.”

Isi stood there as a big dollop of Harm’s fluids dropped from the tip of her right breast and tried to sound dignified as she said: “None taken.”

“Observation: I suppose you intend to shoot me,” Harm said reasonably. “It’s what I would do in your place.”

“Depends on whether you plan to shoot back,” Zun matched the affable tone. “If not, we just stun you and you can keep your ‘research data.’ Sound like a plan?”

“Appreciation: Thank you the professional courtesy, Zun. You’re not bad for a meatbag.” And after a moment Harm turned his head toward Isi and said: “Neither are you, ‘Easy.’ Thank you for the valuable research data. It will figure prominently in my studies.”

The big guy made a sound of disgust at this point and bowled Harm over with a stun blast.

###

“I want you to tell me, Rex,” Gem said quietly. “What’s really going on with the Guild today?”

“I don’t know what you mean, Gem. Look, how about you put down the blaster and we just—”

“Shut up.” She aimed the weapon sharply as he made an abortive attempt to move toward her. “I know there have to be bounties out for me and my girls by now. And for Krey-Krey. That’ll be a massive one. Why was it so easy to lure you into fucking us instead of just taking us in? I know we’re hot, but we can’t possibly be that hot.”

“I… didn’t see any bounties posted for you guys. If there are, it would’ve been just after we, ahhh, apprehended Miss…” He licked his lips, trying to remember the actual name. “Uhhh… your friend over there. She was the bounty.”

“Worth a quarter-mil,” Krey-Krey reported.

“That’s… yeah, that’s right.”

“A quarter-mil or maybe a bit more?” He hesitated, but the look in Gem’s eyes – a look he’d likely never seen there before – made him go a shade paler. “Spit it out, Rex.”

“Okay, well… we got this message from the Guildmaster. Some anonymous client who was offering to match the bounty plus ten points to anyone who would just catch-and-release the mark instead of taking her in… as long as they, uhhh, well…”

“As long as they raped her.” Gem put it bluntly.

Rex winced. “It didn’t exactly say that… but yeah, the basic gist was to mess around a bit and let her go.”

Gem and Jessa shared a look. Gem said: “Well, congratulations, Rex. It looks like you scored a big payday today. You did the thing. You can even claim us as catch and release, I guarantee you there are bounties just like that out on us by now. Glorious day for the Maximus Rex.” Her voice hardened. “However. I’m afraid we’re going to require the voluntary donation of your speeder.”

“Voluntary… what? My baby? You must be fuckin’ whoa whoa whoa… GEM, easy…” He said in sudden alarm as she walked right up to him and put the primed blaster to his naked balls. Jessa had stood up from her embrace with the Princess now and had her blaster trained on him, too. “Okay okay okay, easy, if that’s fucking important you can take it. Use it as long as you like, I can get a better one now.”

“That’s my Sexy Rexy,” she smiled. “Good man. I’d also like to thank you for the kind donation of these blasters, any supplies and money you have in the speeder, and of yours and Pozo’s clothing. It’s really very sweet of you.”

He groaned in resignation. “Least I can do, Gem.”

“It really is, you know. Now go.”

Cringing and cursing to himself, Rex turned away, cupping his hands over his privates as he turned down the ramp. Jessa and Gem and Krey-Krey all smiled at each other… and then a stun blast sounded from down the ramp. There was a brief shout of alarm from Rex: a second stun blast. And then a group of four men in body armor came into view, with a sheepish looking and entirely spunk-drenched Isi marching in front of them.

Fuck.

###

Gem had fully expected to be screwed again, then: to have to fuck the newcomers for her freedom or, worse, to actually be captured and sent off to the Alliance magistrate. But it turned out Mos Buutey could actually surprise her pleasantly for once.

Black Sun Bounties had been intent on capturing the Princess and her associates… until that weird catch-and-release message came down the pike. It wasn’t their style, they weren’t saints but they had a certain species of merc pride. And Zun Crolkaa, their captain, had some ideas about who might be behind it. They accorded with Gem’s: Garim fucking Biggs.

By the time they reached this phase of the conversation, the Black Suns had furnished the girls with towels and bottles of water to clean off with and to wrap themselves in, and they were all clustered around Rex’s confiscated speeder. Zun’s crew had run a hatefully glaring Pozo off as he regained consciousness. Rex and Harm had slunk away of their own accord.

Zun had grimaced. “Garim Biggs. Never trusted that bastard. Something off about him.”

“I wish I’d never trusted him,” said Gem sadly. “But yeah, he’s pretty fixated on us. And on the Princess, too, I’m not sure why.” Princess Krey-Krey, her long hair tied back in a simple ponytail now, just kept her eyes down.

“And you say the Princess has been dosed with sexstim, for real?” Zun looked over at her. “How long ago?”

“About six and half, seven hours at this point,” said Jessa. She and Isi both had arms around Krey-Krey now. She was already squirming again. “I don’t know what grade, it’s not tapering off at all, is it?”

Krey-Krey shook her head miserably, seemed not to trust herself to speak. Zun scratched his jaw and said: “If it was Pirates of Kweia, what they use for their girls is Vooneta-based. It’s meant to hook victims on the first use. Lasts three days. It’s… bad.” He looked pensive. “I mean, look, killing sixty guys is no little thing, obviously… but between you and me, the Pirates she killed, Gryzzuy’s little pervert outfit up north, they probably deserved it. Frankly, it’s a service. Not sure I want a payday out of that. You got anywhere you can keep her for three days while she sweats it out?”

They all shook their heads. “We need to get off-planet right away,” Gem explained. “I think you’re seeing why. And we don’t dare ask anyone to shelter us, Biggs will have other ways to come at us.”

“I get it.” Zun frowned and said: “There’s no safe way to counteract sexstim. But Bull here has some sedative. It’s dangerous to mix the two, sends the brain confusing messages, but if there’s no other choice it might at least give her some peace while you all get out. Bull, you agree?”

The big man’s eyes, looking at Krey-Krey’s misery and really seeing it now, were surprisingly gentle. He just nodded. Pulled a capsule from the jacket under his armor and walked over to Krey-Krey, handing it to her. “When you really need it, okay?”

She gave him a tearful nod. “Thank you, mister,” she said in a small voice.

Zun blinked at the surreality of it all. He said: “Gem, you ever heard of something called the King’s Gambit?” When she shook her head he went on: “It’s an opening in holo-chess. Very aggressive. You go for the throat before the other guy even knows what’s happening. Led to some the fastest checkmates in the game’s history.” He stood up and said: “Biggs, that was his opening against you. And he’s been running that game against you before you even knew there was a board. Don’t take any chances. Get out any way you can. Go anywhere in the galaxy that never heard of that son of a bitch.” And he walked over and put out a hand. “Good luck, Tanni Gem. Good luck to all of you.”

Tanni’s eyes watered just a little as she shook his hand. “Thank you, Captain Zun. For… for everything.”

His smile was melancholy. “Least I can do.”

As the Black Suns walked away, Princess Krey-Krey looked after them and said very quietly: “Sweet guys as this place goes. But luck… that’s the one thing we won’t have.”

THE END, FOR NOW… but Tanni Gem and all her pervy friends and enemies will be back in EPISODE VII: THE VORTEX.

Written and Directed by

NOT-U

Produced by

NOT-U IN A FUNNY MOUSTACHE

Executive Producer

NOT-U IN A CLOWN WIG

CAST

(A Completely Unofficial List of Not-U’s Headcanon Face Claims)

Carmen Callaway as TANNI GEM

Holly Hendrix as JESSA ZAAR

Kleio Valentien as ISI’DUZIT / ISI

Riley Reid as PRINCESS KREY-KREY

Lexington Steele as GARIM BIGGS

Skin Diamond as MADAME TEJ

Jack Black as GUILDMASTER NEROON

Jon Hamm as ZUN CROLKAA

Dave Bautista as BULL

Dan & Jon Heder as SHACK & BRACK

Danny Trejo as PIRATE WAR PARTY LEADER

The Yuen Woo Ping Fight Team as PIRATE WAR PARTY

Teanna Trump as THE VOICE OF “EASY” (ISI’S ALIAS)

Matthew McConaughey as REX KYGRIS

Isiah Maxwell as UEXUS POZO

Ty Burrell, Jr. as HRM-3R / “HARM”

Kristoffer Taboria as THE VOICE OF HRM-3R / “HARM”

Mandingo’s Junk as HRM-3R’S ASSAULT PHALLIC INSTRUMENT

Ned Beatty as GOMORREAN COMMS OFFICER

The producer would like to thank KOTOR’s HK-47 and Robot Chicken’s Humping Robot for jointly blazing the trail followed by this episode’s HRM-3R. Thanks also to https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/. It’s doubtful the proprietor will be happy to learn they contributed to this nonsense, but most of the names in this story started there.

A NOT-U PORN PARODY PRODUCTION